An open letter to my wife

My dearest Vicki,

I have something very important to say to you.

Here are the fixtures for next year’s World Cup. Click the words “World Cup”. It’s a link. You know what a link is don’t you, it’s what you click to look at handbags and bunnies on the internet. The draw isn’t for two weeks but I thought I would let you know in good time. (The draw is where those little numbers and letters are replaced with the teams. It’s a little bit complicated if I’m honest, probably best you don’t worry yourself about that xx).

Now, even though this will be our fourth World Cup together, I thought it best to confirm once again (it would really help if I don’t have to go through this again sweetheart, do try and listen), it is quite crucial that I watch each and EVERY match. This is so I can weigh up which team I do not want England to face in the final. Should the highly unlikely eventuality arise that England do not reach the final, and they are knocked out before that, my interest in the tournament will drop to approximately 34%, and we can return to our normal life of joy and bliss.

Please, do not think this means I expect you to do more around the house during this period, not at all, I wouldn’t dream of being so vile. I simply mean I want you to stay out of my way, or ideally go out and take the children with you. Questions like “Who do you want to win daddy?”, “Can I watch Paw Patrol?” and shouts of “I’VE FINISHED” from the bathroom really would spoil my enjoyment of Senegal v Peru, as I’m sure you understand.

During this time, please be assured that I will still love you, but I do not love you as much as the World Cup while England are still in it. That’s not being mean, it’s all a question of ratios: I only get to see the World Cup every four years. If I watched football every day and only got to see you for a month every four years, I’m sure football would understand if I didn’t watch it and I listened to you, but as it is, I get to see you every, single, day.

Anyway, it’s still seven months away, so plenty of time for you to start planning little trips. You like planning don’t you, what a stroke of luck, go plan dear xxx

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