You’re all gonna DIE.

I’m not normally alarmist, but I need to warn you of impending DOOM. I use capital letters for the word “DOOM” as without capital letters, it’s just “doom” and it doesn’t really tell you how painfully you will DIE. I did it again. Not sure why. Maybe I’ve got used to it, or maybe it’s because I need to tell you YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE.

Don’t blame me though. Blame America and god.

Look!! The Daily Express has told us! Click this link to view some bollocks.

The temperatures are going to drop to MINUS 7!! That’s colder than ice man!

“Why hasn’t anyone warned me?” I hear you cry. Well, they have!! Look!! Here’s a link to some bollocks from a few weeks ago.

Actually, they did write some bollocks in October saying we should be up to our arseflaps in snow already. So think yourself lucky.

In fact, think yourself DOUBLE LUCKY that you’re not DEAD ALREADY, because we had the hottest summer for 300 years this year. Can’t you remember. Is it because you BOILED? Look, some bollocks from July.

Maybe you can’t remember BOILING TO DEATH this summer, because you DIED in the KILLER 3 month BIG FREEZE last winter? You must have, because some bollocks said so.

And if you didn’t die in that, you might well have been hospitalized in the HEATWAVE in August 2013, remember that bollocks? Or were you getting your weather from the Met Office you dateless bastard, who spread lies and strange, made up facts on exactly the same day. The liars.

They’re not really liars to be fair, just inexperienced, because all the other meteorologists DIED in the BIG FREEZE of 2012. We were all warned. Look, some bollocks to confirm it!!

So there you have it. You’d better listen, because if you don’t, YOU WILL DIE. I just hope you’re not all delirious from the non-stop rapid heating and cooling. Remember though, if you do get too warm, you can cool down my wafting yourself with a newspaper. Or the Express.


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