Telephone banking, and how it can lead to attempted murder.

Just a quick blog. I think it’s pretty clear by now I’m turning into a grumpy bastard, and no-one needs boring that much.

This evening however, I almost killed someone.  Lucky for him I didn’t know where he was.

It all started when I took £100 out of my account from Santander.  Apparently, when you make any transaction, the payee checks your balance, tells your bank they intend to take the money, and it comes off as a payment pending. if the payee doesn’t claim their money within a couple of days, your bank puts it back as available. I didn’t know this, and so continued spending, only to go overdrawn for two days, and despite me rectifying the deficit post haste, this lead to a £12 charge.

“Heaven’s above” I said, upon noticing. So I called my bank this evening. Went through to customer services, all very helpful, and then “I understand, I’ll put you through to the account charges department, see what they can do”. Now, I had already been through security clearance, but the chap in account charges wanted me to do it again. Fairy snuff.

“What is your full name including middle names?” I told him.

“What is your account number and sort code?”

“Sorry, I can’t remember my account number”

“That’s okay, if you have your debit card, just give me the long card number”.  I did.

“Date of birth”. I told him.

“Full address”. I told him that.

“Do you have any other accounts, and if so, what is the approximate balance?” I had checked my other account earlier today, I knew the balance exactly, so I told him.

“I’m afraid that is incorrect”

“No it isn’t”

“Yes it is incorrect. I will ask you one more question”

“But it’s not incorrect!”

“Can you tell me the amount of any direct debit you have on your account?”

“I have two mortgages, in total, they come to £***, and they come out on the 1st of every month”

“You have failed security, I will have to put you back through to customer services if you wish to continue”

“What is wrong with that information?”

“I asked for one direct debit, you gave me two, I need one value”

“I gave you one value”

“It doesn’t match up with the values I have here”

“Well add the two mortgages together”

“I’m sorry I can’t do that”


“All I can do it put you back through to customer services to clear security there”

“I HAD CLEARED SECURITY THERE! Ask me another question”

“I can’t, you have failed to answer three questions correctly”


“I’m not being awkward”

“No, you’re being wrong. I have answered the questions correctly, it’s you that it wrong….

And then, he started talking over me.  Now excuse my chav acronym but OMFG. I saw red, and I hung up.  I was sat in Tesco car park after a hard day at work, about to go in for some peach and orange flavoured water for my mum, and all I wanted to do was rampage. I swear if the little bastard had been in front of me, I would have rammed a one litre shaken bottle of carbonated fizz right up his hole, held his nose and mouth while he inflated, then watched him whizz around the car park, before he landed prostrate on a Vauxhall Adam, whereupon I would have swiped my bank card in his arse crack, whispered “beep” in his ear, and gone about my business. The pompous shit.

Is it possible I need to see someone? 😦


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