A bit Newsjack-ed off

You know me, I keep myself to myself (oh balls then, I’m a twitter slapper) but I’m not one for banging on about things that I’ve done, but for the last two weeks, I have written a few scripts for Newsjack, the BBC Radio 4 comedy doo-daa anyone can write for. It’s no secret I’d like to get into comedy writing, so I thought I would give it a bash, and it seemed like a good idea.

I did give it a second thought, I’m not one that takes rejection well, and I’ve had a lot over the years (until rohypnol, that is), I’m a bit George McFly, if you will. But sod it, I thought, YOLO and ting.

Didn’t get a response last week, first go, never mind, try harder, but I wrote a sketch this week that I thought was really good, and some one liners too, that I thought might tickle some funny bones.  My sketch involved a doctor, and last night, the night of recording, I read on Facebook that one of the cast had done a Tom Baker impression; I was so excited, I almost dropped my phone in the toilet.  Putting 2 and 2 together, it was my sketch.  Turns out, it wasn’t, and now, I’m sad.  So would you please do me a favour? Just have a read and let me know if I should carry on writing these, or if I’m an just an unfunny middle aged cock.  Be honest, I don’t want to be one of those untalented X-Factor hopeful wankers. Ta.

Here are my one liners regarding the news:

Alcohol free “Miliband Ale” was on sale at the Conservative Party conference, with the amusing tagline “Weaker than Brown”. Newsjack has discovered that at next year’s Labour conference they plan to sell regular spring water, and also “Cameron Water” from the North Sea, with the tagline “Full of shit”.  Also on sale was “Our Maggie” 4.3% ale, which of course, was not available to minors.

Chessington World of Adventures has banned animal print clothing as it has the potential to confuse the animals. Prints banned include zebra, giraffe, leopard, cheetah, hyena and African wild dog. People are also advised not to wear vampire fancy dress in the bat cave, or wear trunks in the elephant enclosure, although rumours tight hotpants are banned in the camel area are unfounded.

The Duke & Duchess of Cambridge have a new married coat of arms, which includes 9 lions, 3 acorns, a harp and a unicorn. Tony Blair has also confirmed that work is underway on his son’s new married coat of arms, which will include 9 banks, 300 backhanders, a GW Bush, and no weapons of mass destruction.

NASA has confirmed that the recent earthquake in Pakistan has created a new island near Gadwhar in the Arabian Sea, after satellite imagery took photos from space. Locals in the area have also confirmed the island’s existence with what are technically known as “eyes”.

And this is the sketch. Please read like it is being played by actors, and use Tom Baker’s voice if you like, as I do, when I’m touching myself.

Intro                              Bondage parties in village halls are like a BMW gearbox; Heavily lubricated, tricky to get into, and can cause a damaged driveshaft.  A relationship support meeting was cancelled this week in a small Cambridgeshire town.  Trumpington Village Hall said that the cancelled the meeting as the venue had been booked under false pretences, and that it had been allegedly booked by a BDSM group, who were offering spanking, flogging, and “sex on a budget”.  The event was to offer fruit and sandwiches served by Maid Sarah. However, was this a big misunderstanding which could have genuinely helped people with relationship difficulties in small villages?

Doctor                          H…h…hello, is this the relationship support meeting?

Maid Sarah                 Yes honey, won’t you come in? I’m Maid Sarah. What’s your name?

Doctor                          Hello Sarah. Well, er, I’d rather not give my name if you don’t mind.

Maid Sarah                 That’s fine gorgeous, what do you do for a living, if you don’t mind my asking?

Doctor                          I’m a doctor.

Maid Sarah                 Well then honey, I’ll just call you doctor! It’s almost lunchtime, you can have a bite to eat then we’re going to play a few “games” if you’re up for it.

Doctor                          Well errr yes. I have someone with me, they’re more nervous than me about coming in, will they be okay?

Maid Sarah                 Of course my dear.

Doctor                          Oh thank you. I’ll be back in a second.

Doctor                          [out of door] Come on in, it’s all fine.

Doctor                          Hi Sarah, this is my, err friend, Caan. We’re hoping to get some help with our relationship. Things have been a bit, fraught.

Maid Sarah                 Well helloooo, aren’t you gorgeous! And what have we here?!

Doctor                          Errr I wouldn’t touch that.

Maid Sarah                 Come now, we’re all friends here, what’s this you’re hiding?

Dalek Caan                [sheepily, Dalek voice] That… is… my…. sucker….. arm

Maid Sarah                 Oh your sucker arm! Well you’ll fit right in here honey!

FX                                 Mechanical noise of sucker arm extending

Maid Sarah                 Oh my! Do you have a planet to attack, or are you just pleased to see me?

Doctor                          Yes, don’t go waving it around Caan, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Maid Sarah                 And what is this my dear.

Doctor                          No, no, no, I really wouldn’t touch that.

Dalek Caan                This is my powerful weapon.

Maid Sarah                 Well you don’t waste any time!  Can’t you wait until after lunch?

Doctor                          What errr, what happens after lunch? You mentioned games, you mean like charades?

Maid Sarah                 Not quite honey, a little more grown up

FX                                 Whip cracking sound

Doctor                          WOW! Erm perhaps this isn’t quite what we had in mind, we were looking to get our relationship back on track, there has been a lot of falling out.

Maid Sarah                 Don’t knock it honey this helps trust me, give it a try.

Doctor                          [bumbling] No, thank you, I really think this is for us, come Caan, we’re leaving.

Dalek Caan                I would like to stay.

Doctor                          You want to stay?!

Dalek Caan                I was bred to follow ORDERS. And, they have blueberry muffins.

Maid Sarah                 Oh yes we have lots of muffins, and I’ll be happy to give you some orders.

Doctor                          I really don’t think you know what you’re getting into here Caan.

Maid Sarah                 He’ll be just fine doctor. Now get inside Caan.

FX                                 Whip cracking sound

Dalek Caan                The people of Trumpington are very persuasive. I must obey. I must obey.

Maid Sarah                 Oh good boy Caan.

Doctor                          God I feel sick.

Dalek Caan                You cannot say anything after I found you in a compromising position with three Sontarans……..and K9.

Doctor                          Well, err, that was different. It was the village fete in Chipping Sodbury.  We’d been Maypole dancing, I was caught up in the moment.

Maid Sarah                 Doctor it seems you might fit in after all, you sure I can’t tempt you in?

K9                                 Good evening Master

Doctor                          Oh what the heck…


2 thoughts on “A bit Newsjack-ed off

  1. tracey chapman

    I do not subscribe or whatever the term is to blogs – just you, yours, yourself (s). I know cock all about anything but you make me laugh, smile, feel emotional with an added bit of toe curling cringe – so man up and keep writing, or else! Remember failure is the best form of defense. . or was that attack? T x


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