Dear Compare The Market,
I won’t lie, when Aleksandr Orlov appeared on our screens, I liked him. He brightened up an otherwise mundane and annoying aspect of a driver’s life; car insurance.
I have long been a despiser of car insurance. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a bloody good idea. If some prick crashes into you for driving like a bell, then you should be able to be compensated. Now we all know there are those that don’t insure their cars, or abuse the system getting a few grand for whiplash when there is fuck all wrong with them, but that isn’t about that, I may rant about that later, but not now, for what is really busting my chops is your continued use of free cuddly toys, your ad with Robert Webb, and particularly the camel’s back breaking “Ebony & Ivory” parody.
That song came out in 1982, so anyone that can remember it is pushing 40 at least, and by that time of life, should be getting a good deal on their car insurance. Most have stopped being cocks at driving, and drive an average car. What they want from a car insurer is good service, but most importantly, a good price. They don’t want a cuddly fucking meerkat.
Moreover, why the choice of song? Because “ivory” rhymes with “Sergei”? Well that’s not good enough. Do you realise the racial implications of the song; that black and white people can live in harmony? A beautiful concept, but their is nothing harmonious about car insurance. You take over a grand a year off me an the missus. We have never made a claim, the only thing you have given me is this sausage up my arse.
As for “We could save you £200 on your car insurance”, well, I could jump in the air, land on Mars and piss all the way to Venus. Granted, the gravity, lack of oxygen in the stratosphere, solar radiation and time it takes me to get there, might impede any interplanetary piss pot challenge, but the odds of you saving me £200 on my insurance are fairly similar I would imagine.
As for the ad with Aleksandr playing the piano with Robert Webb, well all I can say is, have you seen it? It’s as funny as the shits. Awful. And don’t get me wrong, Go Compare have lost the plot too, not that they ever had it, and Confused never even bothered, but you must have paid Mr Webb a fortune, I assume he must have gambling debts or something, as no successful comedian would bump off an ad so crap without someone from the Mafia threatening to chop off his Peter.
Anyway, to keep it short and sweet, ditch the meerkat, or make him funny again. I personally want to see the bastard skinned and drowning in sautéed onions, lightly spiced, and served as tapas, because every time I see him I think about how much money I pay for car insurance, and it sickens me to my core.
Insurance is expensive in the Bradford area, blowjobs are not.
£500 a year is a lot of blow jobs.