It seems a good idea to write my first serious blog on something that really superheats my piss to such an extent that if I released it into the Irish sea, it would form an extrusive igneous rock island that I would call the Isle of Howard’s Angry Piss. It’s capital would be Fuctoff, and it would be green and lush, and smell of Sugar Puffs.
My anger revolves around certain dickheads inability to recognise what fog lights are for. Call me Mr Commonsense, but they are called fog lights as you are supposed to put them on in the fog. However, I see so many people putting them on in snow and rain, it makes me wonder if the engineers who design cars have got it wrong.
I recall as a kid seeing adverts on tv telling you that using fog lights could be dangerous “fog lights are four times brighter than brake lights, and using them in rain causes glare and stops people behind you seeing you brake. Using fog light in rain means you’re a fucking cockwomble” said the eloquent yet authoritative voice. We don’t have public safety announcements any more during the adverts on Crossroads, but we should, as the number of fuckwits on our roads is clearly increasing.
So I hereby call to the government, wait, not them, the Highways Agency, to recommence said adverts informing people of the dangers of putting your FOG lights on in RAIN and SNOW. Also to get the police and magistrates to act, as if it ever enters your head “Oh it’s raining, I’ll put my FOG lights on” you should not be trusted to drive a car. You shouldn’t be trusted to comb your own fucking hair to be honest.
So please, the next time you see someone with fog lights on when it’s not foggy, knock on their window, smiling as though you have good news to lure them into opening it, then throw a bag of icing sugar in their face shouting “FOGGY ENOUGH FOR YOU?”. Thank you.